What If My Child Doesn’t Want To Recovery From Their Eating Disorder?

Understanding Resistance and How to Support Your Child Through It

One of the most painful and confusing moments for a parent is hearing their child say, “I don’t want to get better.” After all the effort it took to get a diagnosis, find a treatment team, and begin the recovery process, this resistance can feel like a punch to the gut. You might wonder, Don’t they see how sick they are? Don’t they want to feel better?

But here’s the hard truth: it’s incredibly common for children and teens with eating disorders to resist recovery, especially in the early stages. This resistance isn’t because they’re being difficult or ungrateful. It’s often because the eating disorder is still doing something for them, giving them a sense of control, numbing emotional pain, or helping them feel safe. Letting go of those behaviors can feel terrifying.

In this post, we’ll explore why kids may not want to recover, how parents can respond with compassion and clarity, and what steps you can take when motivation is low or nonexistent. If you’re worried that your child is “not ready” for recovery, you’re not alone, and this doesn’t mean recovery isn’t possible.

Why Kids Resist Recovery

It can be heartbreaking to hear your child say they don’t want to recover, but it helps to understand what’s happening beneath the surface. Resistance to recovery is not a sign that your child won’t recover,  it’s often a sign that the eating disorder still feels safer than the unknown.

Here are some common reasons kids resist recovery:

1. Fear of Weight Gain or Body Changes

Even if your child doesn’t express concern about weight, many kids with eating disorders carry deep fear about what will happen to their body in recovery. This is especially true for those with anorexia or bulimia. The idea of gaining weight, losing a sense of control, or no longer “being the small one” can feel intolerable. To your child, these fears are real, even if they don’t make sense to you. Arguing against the fear rarely works. But, meeting it with calm consistency does.

2. The Eating Disorder Serves a Function

For most kids, the eating disorder isn’t just about food. It may serve as a way to:

• Cope with anxiety or emotional overwhelm
  
  

• Feel special, unique, or “good at something”
  
  

• Numb feelings or trauma
  
  

• Maintain a sense of control in a chaotic world
  
  

• Avoid uncomfortable social or developmental milestones

When these underlying functions aren’t addressed, letting go of the eating disorder can feel like losing their only coping strategy.

3. Ambivalence and Lack of Insight

It’s developmentally normal for adolescents to struggle with self-awareness and long-term thinking. Many kids don’t fully understand the consequences of the illness or feel ambivalent about getting better.

In early stages of treatment, your child may still feel like the eating disorder is “helping” them. They may say they’re fine, deny how serious things are, or downplay their behaviors. This doesn’t mean treatment isn’t working, it means they’re still in the early phases of change.

4. Fear of Losing Identity or Community

Sometimes, the eating disorder becomes so wrapped up in a child’s identity that they can’t imagine who they are without it. For teens involved in activities that emphasize thinness, performance, or discipline (like dance, gymnastics, or wrestling), recovery can feel like stepping away from a key part of their life.

In some cases, kids may also find community in online spaces that romanticize disordered eating. Leaving those spaces can feel like losing connection, even if it’s ultimately harmful.

5. Avoidance of Emotions or Conflict

Recovery often brings up uncomfortable emotions: sadness, anger, fear, and vulnerability. If your child struggles with emotional regulation, they may avoid recovery because it means feeling things they’ve long numbed with food behaviors.

Great — here’s the next section of the blog post:

What Parents Can Do When Their Child Doesn’t Want to Recover

Even when your child is resistant, your role as a parent remains powerful. You can’t force internal motivation, but you can create the conditions for change by offering structure, emotional safety, and consistent boundaries.

Here’s how:

1. Don’t Wait for Them to Want It

Recovery doesn’t have to start with motivation. It often starts with action first, feelings second. Waiting for your child to want help before you intervene can delay life-saving care.

Instead, approach recovery like any other serious medical issue. You wouldn’t wait for a child to want insulin to treat diabetes. The same applies here. Begin treatment, set limits around disordered behaviors, and hold hope even when your child can’t.

2. Use Compassionate Authority

Being calm and firm at the same time is hard—but essential. You can say things like:

• “I know this is scary. I’m here with you.”
  
  
  

• “You don’t have to like this, but we’re going to keep you safe.”
  
  
  

• “You’re allowed to be upset. I won’t let this illness make the decisions.”

Compassionate authority means leading with empathy while staying anchored in your role. You’re not forcing recovery at your child—you’re walking beside them, showing them the path forward, and keeping them on it when they want to veer off.

3. Separate Your Child from the Eating Disorder

When your child lashes out, refuses food, or makes harmful choices, it’s tempting to take it personally. Try to remember: this is the eating disorder speaking.

Using externalizing language can help:

• “That sounds like ED talking—not you.”
  
  
  

• “I know you’re afraid. That’s the disorder lying to you.”
  
  
  

• “I believe you can do hard things, even when ED says you can’t.”
  
  
  

This strategy helps you stay connected to your child—and reminds them that they are not the illness.

4. Validate, Then Redirect

Resistance often masks fear. Instead of challenging the fear directly, validate it first, then offer support:

• “It makes sense that you’re scared to eat that.”
  
  
  

• “You’re not alone in feeling this way. Lots of kids in recovery do.”
  
  
  

• “We’re going to get through this together—even if it feels impossible today.”

Validation doesn’t mean agreeing. It means showing your child that their feelings are real, and they don’t have to face them alone.

5. Stay the Course

Consistency builds trust. Your child may test limits, argue about every bite, or beg for exceptions. Hold steady.

When you remain grounded—through meal support, limits on behaviors, and commitment to treatment—you send the message: I love you enough to do the hard things. Over time, this predictability becomes a source of safety, not conflict.

6. Get Support for Yourself

Parenting through an eating disorder is exhausting. You need space to feel, process, and get guidance from others who understand. Join a support group, seek parent coaching, or work with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders.

You're not alone—and you don’t have to carry this all by yourself.

When (and How) Motivation Often Starts to Emerge

One of the most hopeful truths about eating disorder recovery is this: motivation can grow with time, especially when a child is supported consistently, compassionately, and firmly.

While every child’s journey is unique, here are some common points where motivation starts to show up:

1. After Physical Stabilization

In the early weeks or even months of re-nourishment, your child’s brain may be foggy, anxious, or emotionally volatile. But as nutrition improves and medical complications begin to resolve, many kids start to think more clearly. They may:

• Express more curiosity or insight about their behaviors
  
  
  

• Feel less overwhelmed by decisions
  
  
  

• Show slight openness to trying new things

This doesn’t mean they’re ready to recover fully—but it’s often the first crack in the wall.

2. As Life Gets Bigger Than the ED

Once a child re-engages with the world—school, friends, sports, art, movement—they often begin to realize how much the eating disorder has taken from them. You might hear things like:

• “I miss being able to eat out with my friends.”
  
  
  

• “I want to feel strong again for soccer.”
  
  
  

• “I hate how much time this takes up in my brain.”

This “values conflict” is powerful. When a child starts to see that recovery gives them more life—not less—that’s when internal motivation often begins to build.

3. When They Feel Safe Enough to Hope

Your child may resist recovery because they’re terrified—of weight gain, of judgment, of losing control. As your relationship remains steady, as the treatment team holds boundaries without shame, and as your child sees they are still loved regardless of food or body, their nervous system begins to calm.

Motivation tends to grow once your child feels emotionally safe and supported.

4. After a Setback

It sounds counterintuitive, but some kids become more open to recovery after a difficult experience: a relapse, a hospitalization, or a moment of emotional clarity. These moments can highlight how much the eating disorder hurts—and how much is at stake.

Setbacks aren’t failures. They’re part of the process. And they sometimes create a turning point.

5. As They See Themselves Differently

Recovery involves more than behavior change—it’s about identity. As your child starts to reconnect with who they are outside of the eating disorder, they may:

• Talk about hobbies or goals again
  
  
  

• Express more emotion or opinions
  
  
  

• Challenge ED thoughts on their own
  
  
  

• Ask for help more readily

This is slow, quiet progress. But it’s some of the most meaningful.

Recovery Is Still Possible

If your child doesn’t seem motivated to recover, that doesn’t mean recovery isn’t possible. It means they need more support, more structure, more patience—and a whole lot of love.

Motivation isn’t always the starting point. Sometimes, it’s the result of being surrounded by people who refuse to give up, even when it’s hard.

And if you need help navigating this part of the journey, we’re here. Join our free Facebook group, The Parent Support Network for Eating Disorder Recovery, to connect with other parents walking the same path. You don’t have to figure this out alone.